Democrats have employed a strict diversity hiring program earlier today. This will serve as a benchmark for proper selection practices in our currently cruel world, officially shattering the glass ceiling.

New legislature states government positions must seek out pansexual midgets of color before considering other candidates. This will help improve productivity and “kumbayah” feel of this great nation.

We spoke to newly appointed chief firefighter Clarice Beetlebush (4’9), who courageously fought a building fire.

“I couldn’t climb the ladder, but I managed to pull a granola bar out of the 1st floor window”