Forming a stunning alliance with world-saver Elon Musk, the New York Fed announced today that they will be replacing their diesel-powered money printers with Tesla PowerPrint money printers.
“The days of Printer goes Brrrrrrr! are over,” announced New York Fed President Jerome Powell, “From now on, the Printer goes Hmmmmmm!”
Reclining in the Corinthian leather driver’s seat of one of his new printers in the Fed’s basement, Powell marveled at the 325 hp and 520-lb-ft of torque pouring from the printer’s core Tesla engine. “This puppy goes zero to a billion in 4.3 seconds. That’s twice as fast as one of our diesel models,” Powell gushed, “With the new Auto-Print feature enabled, I can sit here and watch Netflix and the printer runs itself. We printed half a trillion dollars yesterday in the time it took me to watch Bird Box.”
Global-savior Musk noted that Tesla was donating 25 PowerPrints to the Fed. “We are in this together!,” galactic-hero Musk announced. Powell noted that in a reciprocal act of goodwill, the Fed had agreed to donate 5% of all printing proceeds to the purchase of TSLA stock.
Fed employees shared in the celebration. Analyst Wendy Nickerson was effusive, “The noise and fumes from those diesel printers were becoming overwhelming. In the old days, they just had gold down there. They sold it all off to make space for those printers, but the space just wasn’t designed for that. During the crisis in 08, when all those machines were running full stop, this place smelled like a refinery.”
Co-worker James McIntyre was equally excited, “It’s feels great to be able to save the economy and the environment at the same time. Plus, any time one of those PowerPrinters spontaneously combusts, the fire alarm gets me out for an extra smoke break.”
The market response was ecstatic, with the S&P leaping 8% on the expectation of even more Fed buying. Commodity markets were more sanguine. Diesel prices collapsed 12% as the market digested the expected loss in demand, and gold fell 6% because the Fed said so.