Houston – A prominent and well know energy investor has been arrested by the Houston Police Department for taking a fresh dump at over 60 energy company headquarters across the state of Texas. The energy investor told authorities after losing so much money in the energy industry for the past 10 years the only thing left to do was to take shits in all of the crappy energy companies he was invested in. “It was the only way to show those overpaid capital destroyers how shitty their assets and business models really were.” The Stonk Market team was the first on scene…
“I was minding my own business this morning when I smelled something so rank, I puked in my mouth,” a security guard at Breken Resources stated. “When I looked to my right there was a well-dressed man with his pants to his knees squatting down and taking a shit right in the middle of our floor.”
There were reports all over downtown Houston of this same story – a man taking a fresh dump in a beaten down energy company headquarters, then running out of the place with his pants halfway down to his knees, screaming obscurities about how he was broke and bankrupt.
The Sheriff of the Houston Police department said their first suspect was a Green Party activist. But when they caught the man, who was taking fresh ones they were shocked beyond belief.
The man was caught at Bayler Energy Resources after taking a dump when a local hero tackled him.
“That was the biggest dump I have ever laid my eyes on,” a woman on the scene said. “I never thought in my wildest dreams a man could push a turd out of that size and capacity.”
The woman mentioned that after she shockingly saw the massive fresh turd on the floor she caught out of the corner of her eye a man with his pants to his knees screaming how the “back-half” of the year free cash flows never came. When the man squatted down for a second dump the local hero tackled the man and held him down until authorities arrived on scene.
The man who was taking fresh dumps all over Houston is a well known energy analyst known for his horrible calls on the entire energy industry. After losing his clients money year after year investing in the energy space the man took it upon himself to pay the energy companies he invested in with a little visit. In total the man took fresh dumps in 64 energy companies headquarters this afternoon. We spoke with the energy analyst briefly.
“I was sick and tired of these overpaid executives over-promising and vastly under-delivering. ‘In the back-half we will generate cash flows’ those crooked executives would always say. Well you know what? The back-half never came. There was always more ‘growth capex’. Frankly, I just got sick of it. After losing my clients an untold amount of money the only thing left to do was to show these energy companies what pieces of shit they were!”
Apparently after you lose your clients money the only thing left to do is to take fresh dumps everywhere.
The energy analyst is being held in a local jail for lewd behavior, disturbing the peace and nudity.
Source of featured image: The Smoking Gun