Facebook Cleansing

Facebook (NASDAQ: FB) unveiled its latest offering to developing world dictators with the release of its “Facebook Cleansing” product, an advanced analytics-based dashboard which allows users to track ethnic minorities and political dissidents with far greater accuracy than existing methods. The product also helps users distribute targeted misinformation and stereotype memes using algorithms originally pioneered by Cambridge Analytica.

“When we say move fast and break things, that includes UN resolutions and Geneva Accords,” said CEO Mark Zuckerberg to a cheering audience, “and in that spirit we are happy to announce our latest product which merges AI, Machine Learning, and the latest in malevolent technology.”

The stock soared upon the announcement as major investment firms saw the product’s potential to launch Facebook well ahead of competitors in the growing crimes-against-humanity space.

“Facebook’s undermining of democracy in developed countries is well known and unfortunately already being copied by Facebook’s main competitors,” said Merrill-Lynch chief investment officer Jacob Goodman, “This product aims to port those services to the developing world, and that is where we are really seeing potential for explosive growth.

Sources familiar with the matter indicate that the move has also brought China back to the negotiation table. China has banned Facebook from the mainland since 2011, but sources say that this new functionality could pave a route to better Facebook-China relations.