Fed conference

During today’s press conference, Fed governors chanted “USA! USA!” as chairman Jay Powell motioned for them to calm down so he could begin his speech. The stock market rally from March lows has been credited to Powell’s bold action to stem the financial panic resulting from the coronavirus.

“Who doesn’t like free money?” Powell asked during the Fed conference. Reporters bumped chests and opened cans of beer. The room cheered.

“I said WHO DOESN’T LIKE FREE MONEY!” Powell repeated. The crowd roared. Reporters made out. Steve Liesman tapped a keg. Powell took the microphone in his hand and stepped away from the podium.

“We got some haters,” Powell preached. “We got some people doubting our vibe. Inflation? Don’t talk to me about inflation. Anything inflates, we’ll remove it from core CPI. Inflation doesn’t exist. Devalued dollar? Tell that to the countries around the world that wanna buy American weapons. You think you can buy an F-35 with Renmibi?”

“Ain’t gonna happen!” yelled Steve Liesman.

“Heck no! I’m confident in the dollar! Are you confident in the dollar?”

The crowd cheered.

“The yield curve is gonna be so steep it’ll be a yield cliff! Bond spreads are gonna be so tight, there’ll be a buddy cop movie starring Bid and Offer,” he joked.

“Hey Liesman, your momma’s so fat,” he continued.

“How fat is she?” Liesman asked.

“She’s the Fed balance sheet in 2020. Now let’s make it rain!”