Fed, Money

WASHINGTON DC – Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, best known for becoming a day trader, announced today he was stepping down and Larry Kudlow, current White House National Economic Council director, would be taking over immediately.

In his first press conference, Kudlow announced that the Federal Reserve is rebranding itself as Crazy Larry’s Money Emporium to better reflect the mandate being given to him by President Trump of dumping an obscene amount of money into the markets to buy every piece of garbage available.

This comes on the heels of a disagreement between President Trump, a man some describe as a mentally challenged, racoon eyed, orange Kool-Aid man, and Powell regarding the handling of the economic downturn with respect to interest rates being too high.

It has long been speculated by critics that President Trump is a complete moron when it comes to just about everything, but his allies say that while he is 100% a moron, he’s their moron and they will die on his moronic hill.

While wildly flapping his arms like a man having a seizure, Kudlow stated, “I’m the right guy for this position because I am literally in-s-a-a-a-a-a-ane! We’ve been making a complete mockery of the monetary system the last few months, so re-branding seemed like the most logical step in the eventual bankrupting of the entire system. It’s the greatest stock pump in the history of stock pumps, so get your stocks before the pump ends! Remember, we will not be undersold, we cannot be undersold and we mean it!”

When asked about the recent announcement that the Fed will be buying individual corporate bonds and how they will decide which to buy, Crazy Larry’s eyes lit up like a little boy in a toy store for the first time. “We’re going to buy everything. Ev-ver-ry-thing. In the words of the late, great Lady Liberty: Give me your over-leveraged, your bankrupt, your failing masses of corporations yearning to break to all-time highs.”

At the time of the announcement, stocks went up 50,000,000%. When reached for comment on the massive increase, President Trump bluntly stated, “There’s still more we can do.”