Short sellers
Image by Fabien Huck from Pixabay

WASHINGTON – In an unprecedented move not seen by anyone, the Federal Reserve has officially declared all out war on short sellers.

“As a protector of America’s capital the Federal Reserve has decided it is time to declare war on all financial terrorists,” Powell said.  “Anyone caught short selling will be executed.”

Short sellers across the nation scrambled to defend their portfolios as the Treasury Department dropped ten thousand dollar bills into the rigged market.  Andrew Left of Citron Research was decapitated – body found mangled, covered in fresh five dollar bills.

“We will take no prisoners,” Powell continued.  “Short selling is worse than communism.  The evil short sellers will be scrubbed off the face of this planet.”

Jim Chanos of Kynikos Associates, reiterated how Tesla was a classic short for the billionth time before being drowned to death in a pile of money that fell out of the sky.  Mark Spiegel, known for being compulsively obsessed with Tesla, died the same fate.

To honor the beginning of The Great War Against Short Sellers, CNBC changed their name to Stocks Only Go Up!  Furthermore, brokerage houses across the nation removed the sell button.

“We will continue to drop dollars from the sky until all short sellers are decimated.  Stocks are only meant to go up.”

The following short sellers have been reported dead:

  • Carson Block of Muddy Water Research
  • Ben Axler of Spruce Point Capital Management
  • John Zhuo of Pintail Capital
  • Alex Shuaib of Sunley House Capital
  • Kyle Mowery of Grizzly Rock Capital
  • George Soros

This post was sponsored by The Federal Reserve.  As an American citizen it is your duty to report all illegal short selling to the authorities.  Anyone caught aiding and abetting a short seller will suffer the same fate as a financial terrorist.  We are offering $50,000 for each short seller you bring us, dead or alive.