Federal Reserve Will Begin Purchasing BlackRock’s ESG Fund To End Climate Change

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The idea first emerged in Jackson Hole where bankers were performing the traditional elephant walk in hopes of great market returns in the coming year. Upon feeling Jerome’s semi-erect member, Neel immediately concluded that the Federal Reserve should buy stocks from BlackRock to end climate change.

With this announcement, a new position of CCE (Chief Climate Economist), had to be filled in short order. First choice Greta Thunberg could not be located as rumors continue to swirl that she has found refuge on a mountaintop in Alaska where she has been trying to rid the world of Harold Hamm using a voodoo doll.

The logical choice ended up being now former Senator Cory Booker also known as the heroic Spartacus. Neel was moved to this hire after one of his staffers dared to suggest the now former Senator could beat him in a staring contest. We will update this article after we know whose head exploded first.

Climate activists cheered as their bag-holding ceremony finally brought some semblance of success. They are most excited about the new company Lava (ticker LAVA) which will be added to a few funds.

Lava which went public via SPAC as any respectable company these days would, has promised to end all carbon emissions from volcanoes by 2050. They have even hired Nikola’s photoshop savant, so they are surely in good hands.

Others were not so pleased with the news. Members of Q-Anon have claimed this fake news and have decided to commit financial hara-kiri by buying OTM calls on USO to stick it to the tree huggers. Only the ones that went long NOG are expected to make it out of this alive.

Larry Fink has been quoted saying, ”after years of warning about the dangers of climate change I am really glad that the Federal Reserve has finally taken this serious and has decided to use its printer to buy more of my funds. The definition of resetting capitalism if adding zeros to my account.” We will bring more updates as they come.



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