Let’s face it.  Amish people are some of the smartest investors around.  These guys are pros at buying livestock then reselling them to all you can eat Chinese Buffets (side hustle).  And the amount of hair their women have?  Well it’s more than a water buffalo.  Since 90% of my readers are Amish, here are five stocks that should be in Every Amish Investor’s portfolio.

Bayer (BAYRY)

We get it, you’re a proud farmer. Farmers grow things, and things grow from seeds. You need to buy seeds, and seeds are expensive. Think of owning Bayer as a kickback on all of the seeds you need to buy for your farm. Bayer recently acquired Monsanto, becoming the world’s largest supplier of seeds. As an added plus, Bayer is a company based in the old country, letting you bask in memory of the days of Bavarian pretzels and carefree fräuleins with every GMO seed that you plant and every application of toxic pesticide.

Held in: 53% of Amish portfolios

Cree (CREE)

If you’re reading this and you’re an Englisher (non-Amish), you might be surprised that flashlights have a long history of use in Amish Country. But move over, Stanley Black & Decker (SWK)! Cree is the industry leader in LED lights and flashlights, meaning that your precious batteries can last much longer and your flashlights will light much brighter, helping you see in the dark and prevent all too common deer-buggy collisions. Turn your nights into day, and lengthen the number of hours that you can till your cornfields, with Cree.

Held in: 38% of Amish portfolios

Square (SQ)

So, banking isn’t really your thing. Enter Square: it’s not banking, it’s FinTech! Need to send money to Susanna for giving you that Cree flashlight, but you’re all out of rag rugs to barter? You can simply and easily send her money via CashApp without trekking five miles down the road to her farm. Even better, CashApp allows you to use your stagnant funds from the last market day to invest in the companies that should be in every well-rounded Amish portfolio! Our analysts predict Square will be the most added holding in Amish portfolios in the next two years.

Held in: 23% of Amish portfolios

American Outdoor Brands Corporation (SWBI)

While you may not know the name, you probably have a product from American Outdoor Brands Corporation in your home right now! Smith and Wesson firearms are made by this venerable company, allowing you to connect with the great outdoors during a hunt, kill pesky groundhogs before they eat your tomato plants, or scare away any wayward and confused copper thieves that think you have indoor plumbing. And while the whole family may be enamored with their favorite Holstein on the farm, Bertha, a Smith and Wesson firearm is exactly the right tool to use if big Bertha ever contracts mad cow disease. You don’t just love your guns, your guns love you too, which is a strong bull case for American Outdoor Brands.

Held in: 69% of Amish portfolios

Weyerhaeuser (WY)

You like to build things, like barns? That’s great! Weyerhaeuser is the country’s largest producer of lumber, which you can use to raise barns to your kind little heart’s delight. How about fuel for your wood-fired stove to heat your home in the winter? That wood needs to come from somewhere! There are only so many trees in Pennsylvania, so owning a company that gives each and every tree the tender care and well-deserved chainsawing that it needs is perfectly in line with Amish values. Also, take note that Weyerhaeuser’s founder, Frederick Weyerhäuser, was a proud German immigrant.

Held in: 93% of Amish portfolios

Bonus stock pick: Apple (AAPL)

Every investor, Amish or not, has Apple in their portfolio.

Held in: 100% of Amish portfolios

The Stonk Market would like to give a special thank you to Non-Interactive Brokers for providing information on Amish portfolio holdings. To learn more about Non-Interactive Brokers or open an account, please visit their stand at the Amish Central Market in Lancaster, PA between 7:00AM and 10:30AM on the second Friday of every month, in between Levi’s Superior Butter Churns and Amos’ Pitchforks.