Bought the dip
Image by Laura M from Pixabay

I’m going to be straight with y’all.  I’m addicted to buying the dip.  I just can’t can’t help it. I’ve tried quitting hundreds of times with no success.  I even destroyed all of the televisions in my house so I wouldn’t watch CNBC.  The worst part is, every time I have bought the dip I ended up bankrupt and divorced.

Here are the four times I have bought the dip and ended up bankrupt and divorced.

The time I bought WorldCom on the dip

2002 was the first time I tried buying the dip.  I was watching CNBC.  WorldCom was the hot stock of the year.  I was excited.  That bald man on CNBC was screaming in a megaphone about buying the dip.  I took a mortgage out on my home and bought the dip on WorldCom.  A few minutes later WordCom revealed it had improperly booked $3.8 billion in expenses and field for bankruptcy.  I lost everything.  To cope with the stress I burned my house down to collect insurance proceeds and pushed my wife into oncoming traffic in an attempt to get a huge life insurance payout.  My wife got ran over by an 18-wheeler but didn’t die.  She then filed for divorce and I was ruined.

The time I bought Lehman Brothers on the dip

It was 2008.  I had recently became a millionaire by scamming old folks out of their money.  I was happily married and clean from the stocks for over six years.  While getting an “adult” massage in a back alley, I accidentally put all of my money into Lehman Brothers when the stock dipped.  A few minutes later  Lehman went to zero and I was ruined.  To cope with the losses, I put on my wife’s dress, makeup and a fake wig.  I started escorting myself for cheeseburgers.  A month later my wife figured what I was doing and she divorced me.  I ended up filing for bankruptcy and gaining 85 pounds from all of the cheeseburgers I ate.

The time I bought Helios Matheson Analytics

I turned my life around and created a very successful business of importing illegal substances from Cuba.  I was on the 30 under 30 Forbes list.  I even got married for a third time and was expecting my first child.  Around this time I started sleep walking.  While I was sleep walking I ended up putting all of my net worth into Helios Matheson Analytics.  When I awoke from my sleep walking state the stock had gone to zero and I was ruined.  To cope with the pressure of bankruptcy, I dressed up like Michael Myers and chased my wife around the house for six hours with a butcher knife.  My wife filed for a divorce and I declared bankruptcy.

The time I bought J.C. Penny on the dip

While living on the street I ended up marrying a bum.  To survive, my bum partner and I would throw ourselves out in front of moving cars and get big lawsuit checks.  We ended up making over $5 million in a few months so we bought a mansion.  I ended up eating an entire box of Coricidin and while tripping I bought the dip on J.C. Penny.  When I was done robo tripping, J.C. Penny declared bankruptcy and I was ruined.  To cope with the multi-million dollar loss I tried to put my wife in a wood splitter.  She got mad at me and filed for a divorce.