I’m going to be straight with y’all. I’m addicted to buying the dip. I just can’t can’t help it. I’ve tried quitting hundreds of times with no success. I even destroyed all of the televisions in my house so I wouldn’t watch CNBC. The worst part is, every time I have bought the dip I ended up bankrupt and divorced.
Here are the four times I have bought the dip and ended up bankrupt and divorced.
The time I bought WorldCom on the dip
2002 was the first time I tried buying the dip. I was watching CNBC. WorldCom was the hot stock of the year. I was excited. That bald man on CNBC was screaming in a megaphone about buying the dip. I took a mortgage out on my home and bought the dip on WorldCom. A few minutes later WordCom revealed it had improperly booked $3.8 billion in expenses and field for bankruptcy. I lost everything. To cope with the stress I burned my house down to collect insurance proceeds and pushed my wife into oncoming traffic in an attempt to get a huge life insurance payout. My wife got ran over by an 18-wheeler but didn’t die. She then filed for divorce and I was ruined.
The time I bought Lehman Brothers on the dip
It was 2008. I had recently became a millionaire by scamming old folks out of their money. I was happily married and clean from the stocks for over six years. While getting an “adult” massage in a back alley, I accidentally put all of my money into Lehman Brothers when the stock dipped. A few minutes later Lehman went to zero and I was ruined. To cope with the losses, I put on my wife’s dress, makeup and a fake wig. I started escorting myself for cheeseburgers. A month later my wife figured what I was doing and she divorced me. I ended up filing for bankruptcy and gaining 85 pounds from all of the cheeseburgers I ate.
The time I bought Helios Matheson Analytics
I turned my life around and created a very successful business of importing illegal substances from Cuba. I was on the 30 under 30 Forbes list. I even got married for a third time and was expecting my first child. Around this time I started sleep walking. While I was sleep walking I ended up putting all of my net worth into Helios Matheson Analytics. When I awoke from my sleep walking state the stock had gone to zero and I was ruined. To cope with the pressure of bankruptcy, I dressed up like Michael Myers and chased my wife around the house for six hours with a butcher knife. My wife filed for a divorce and I declared bankruptcy.
The time I bought J.C. Penny on the dip
While living on the street I ended up marrying a bum. To survive, my bum partner and I would throw ourselves out in front of moving cars and get big lawsuit checks. We ended up making over $5 million in a few months so we bought a mansion. I ended up eating an entire box of Coricidin and while tripping I bought the dip on J.C. Penny. When I was done robo tripping, J.C. Penny declared bankruptcy and I was ruined. To cope with the multi-million dollar loss I tried to put my wife in a wood splitter. She got mad at me and filed for a divorce.