FLORIDA – Stock futures soared over the weekend when a man in Florida set his anus aflame.
“The market was looking dire heading into the weekend as cases of COVID-19 continued to rise,” said Buster Cherry, a market reporter on CNBC. “Then a Florida man set his anus aflame.”
On Saturday afternoon, a Florida man in Dade County set his anus aflame when he was trying to impress a girl. “The inflamed anus was a blessing in disguise,” said Liz Bien, an economist at Goldman Sachs. “All market historians know an inflamed anus is a catalyst for stocks.”
For those who are not market historians, there have been several times in history where a man sets his anus aflame and stocks subsequently soar. More specifically, in Chapter 11 of The Intelligent Investor, Ben Graham tells investors to “go all in on stocks when the anus is on fire.”
“This man likely doesn’t know it yet, but he is a stock market hero,” Liz Bien continued. “His face will be all over the Wall Street Journal come Monday. Anyone long stocks is going to kill it.”
The Florida man is being held in the local Dade County jail for hiding 60 pounds of methamphetamine up his anus. Emergency room doctors found the methamphetamine when performing surgery on his burnt butt hole.