God short position

JACKSON HOLE, WY – Public filings disclosed today that the Judeo-Christian god Yahweh has acquired over $2 Trillion in credit default swaps from JP Morgan Chase, Citibank, and Barclays over the last two weeks. The most unsettling detail announced in the filings, according to analysts, is the highly unusual short-term maturity which is set to occur February 28, 2021.

This is not the first time God has acquired default protection for humankind. In December 2016, he notably entered into a $50 Billion short position, but the move was focused mostly on his US-based assets.  This new CDS portfolio is much more extensive, seemingly positioned to protect against a global systemic failure.

“We’re seeing a lot of big players getting nervous with valuations this high,” said chief deity analyst Saul Tarsus, “and that is causing them to re-evaluate their risk profiles to fill in gaps where they see them. What we don’t yet understand is the scale of the CDS buy. This type of insurance is orders of magnitude larger than what most firms are asking for right now.”

Jesus of Nazareth, formally a subsidiary of Yahweh, also signaled fear among the boardroom with their own CDS purchases in January. The firm acquired $500 billion in protection, enough to cover all outstanding debts in the event of massive failure. Jesus of Nazareth was famously spun off to a B-Corp in 1517, but that has not stopped it from bleeding cash and racking up debt. Purchasing CDS contracts in the midst of its already uncertain financial future is an ominous sign for Jesus investors.

Perplexingly, other major players in the theology space do not seem to share the same pessimism. Hindu god Shiva has not publicly acquired any unusual insurance or short positions, and DOW mainstays Zeus and Odin have both announced large leveraged buy-outs over the past six months.

“Typically, the gods’ capital allocations tend to move somewhat in a similar pattern,” said head theological asset manager for Goldman Sachs Joan Dark, “and when they don’t, historically it has resulted into pretty turbulent market conditions.”

Markets were mixed following the news.