Google unveiled a new option on their Google Translate app that allows everyday people to translate the eldritch language spoken by economists into plain, everyday English. We had one of our interns test out the function using a transcript of one of Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell’s speeches. Let’s take a look at the results!

Quote: “…the high level of joblessness has been especially severe for lower-wage workers in the service sector and for African-Americans and Hispanics.”

Translation: “I’ve never met an ethnic minority, but if I mention them Biden will let me keep my job.”

Quote: “Today, my colleagues on the FOMC and I kept interest rates near zero and maintained our sizable asset purchases.”

Translation: “We will continue to rob your children and grandchildren and hand the proceeds directly to bankers and hedge funds.”

Quote: “…the housing sector has more than fully recovered from the downturn, supported by low mortgage interest rates.”

Translation: “Houses are getting more expensive, so if you’re currently a renter, you’ll likely never be able to afford one again.”

Quote: “…continued gains in many industries were outweighed by significant losses in industries where the resurgence of the virus has weighed further on activity.”

Translation: “Regular people continue to lose their jobs and struggle to make ends meet, even though bankers and hedge funds have made trillions. I just don’t get it.”

Quote: “Overall, on a 12-month basis, inflation remains below our 2% longer-run objective.”

Translation: “The cost of living for normal people is too cheap. We are trying to make it more expensive, but it just isn’t working fast enough. Except the housing thing, but we actually count that as negative inflation because a message from the devil told us to.”

There you have it, readers. Now everyday Americans without economics degrees can follow along at home with exactly what the Treasury Department, Federal Reserve, and Jeff Epstein’s buddies CNBC guests are actually saying.

In unrelated news, Federal Reserve officials and Janet Yellen have hired massive amounts of private security. One unnamed Fed employee gave us this quote, “Let’s just hope most people don’t use the new translation. They’d lynch all our asses if they knew what we actually were up to over here.”