Harvard: ‘Please send more – $9 million isn’t enough’

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Cambridge, MA – A monotone yet stern voice echoed over the phone, “$9 million will only get us so far – please send us more.”  The monotone voice came from a representative of Harvard University.  “We have gotten over 50 calls from Harvard this week alone,” Carrie Wenta a claims associate from the IRS stated.  “Harvard has blasted us all week saying how $9 million is not enough.”

Harvard University, once a prestige business school, has dwindled in popularity overtime as online schools such as Arizona University, Tim Sykes Investing Crash Course and other popular community colleges offer more bang for the buck. 

“We just can’t compete with the prestige that local community colleges can offer students,” a representative from Harvard University stated.

“I remember when having a degree from Harvard actually meant something,” Kevin Raper, MBA alumni from Harvard University stated.  “Nowadays when I apply for a job, I just leave my Harvard education off my resume – its just not worth the hassle getting asked what that college is.”

There are thousands of others like Kevin Raper out there.  Julie Smith, Harvard class of 1973, says she had to go back to community college and get her associates degree in Fine Arts to get a job.  “My MBA from Harvard is utterly useless,” Julie Smith said.  “I couldn’t even get a job at The Walmart deli without my newly minted associates in Fine Arts.”

To add to the stress of an education that is becoming utterly useless, in the winter of 2020, COVID-19 hit. 

“COVID-19 was an unprecedented global pandemic that threatened the very existence of our once great educational complex,” a representative from Harvard stated.

COVID-19 forced Harvard to cancel all Spring classes and force the school to completely shut down.  “We had no idea what we were supposed to do.”

With classes shut down, revenues completely dried up. 

“We had to cut our staff to the bare minimum.  It was a hard decision, but we needed to protect our entity from going belly up.”

Unlike other educational institutes, Harvard has a puny endowment fund of only $40 billion dollars.  “$40 billion dollars only gets you so far these days,” Richard Pierce, Keynesian economist stated.  Unlike Harvard most community colleges have this kind of endowment just for their janitorial staff.

Then a light at the end of the tunnel came. 

“We found a way to get free money from the government.”

Harvard University found their support from an unlikely group – the Federal government.  “This provided our educational complex with the lifeline we needed.”

Harvard ended up getting $9 million in fresh capital from the Federal Government.

“Getting $9 million in capital from the government was nice,” Harvard representative stated, “but it’s not enough.”

Harvard is now looking to get an additional $420.69 million in free capital from the government. 

“Look, if our endowment was only a little bigger maybe we could tap that.  But its not.”

Millions of people around the globe are cheering for Harvard and hoping they will get more capital.  The Pope has even prayed for the once prestigious University.

“Little guys like us don’t need the money at all,” single mom Heather of 10, stated.  “My babies can go without food for a few days a still live.  A university with only $40 billion in endowments needs this money more than me.”

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