The battle cry of the Phoenix is under threat. Millions of students that call the University of Phoenix their home are under threat as Harvard University has decided to go full Zoom meetings for the 2020-2021 class year.
Harvard will be charging students $50,000/yr for prerecorded Zoom classes set to continuous repeat. Students will be graded on how much the mouse moves across the screens and Harvard will give all students passing grades based on heart rate and mouse movements.
The University of Phoenix sees this as an existential threat to their online pyramid scheme and is suing Harvard for copyright infringement. They claim that “The Phoenix” is the first and only institution can scam 20-year old students out of $200,000 racks for a piece of paper without losing their virginity.
Phoenix president Peter Cohen was outraged and shrieked “we are the first and only online University! We will defend our position against this unknown Harvard competitor. Even if that means suing the pants off them!”
Deep from her parent’s basement, we interviewed a Senior student named Karen who exclaimed “I think it is great! I have my heart rate monitor and mouse strapped to my feral cat I adopted in the Qinzhou meat market. Now I will have extra time to protest racial inequality and podcast about it.” When asked about the cost, Karen simply garbled a low “Brrrrrr” as she slunk back into the basement.
On Tuesday, in a brazen move that will further anger the Phoenix, Harvard Online has changed their online mascot to the Dodo.