WALL STREET – A hedge fund manager was arrested this afternoon for urinating on his broker after a botched Tesla trade. “I thought he told me to buy Tesla calls,” the distraught broker stated. “Instead I bought puts.”
Jamie Cohen, 37, was the arrested hedge fund manager who urinated on his broker after a Tesla trade gone wrong. According to Cohen, he told his broker to write 75,000 put options on Tesla. “The idiot wrote 75,000 naked calls instead,” Cohen said. “We lost millions.”
To take his frustration out, Cohen took an Uber to his broker’s office and urinated on his face.
“This livid man shows up to our offices and begins urinating on Michael, the brokers face,” Courtney, a secretary stated. “Then he stuck Michael’s on the floor and made him sniff the urine like he was a dog. It was actually quiet amusing.”
When the cops arrived on the scene, they found Cohen crying in the bathroom with an empty fifth of Mohawk Vodka and his pants to his ankles. Cohen was charged with assault and battery and is being held on bond for $150,000.
In other news, markets sold off after the Fed realized a currency collapse was impending. Jerome Powell said how the only hope for the U.S. was to sell national landmarks to China to fund the national deficit.