Wall Street – Want to make fat stacks of cash?  Do you want to outperform the best professional investors around?  According to one man, doing the opposite of everything the Ethics portion of the CFA exam teaches you will guarantee you outperformance. 

Meet Jim Maloney.  Jim received the CFA designation in 2004.  In 2005 Mr. Maloney launched a hedge fund, Maloney Baloney Capital Management.  “When I first launched Maloney Baloney Capital Management my returns were dismal,” Jim stated bowing his head in dissatisfaction.  “However, I changed my strategy in 2010 and have never looked back.”

Since 2010 Maloney Baloney Capital Management has returned an annualized 55% per year. $100,000 invested in Maloney Baloney Capital Management since 2010 is worth so much money we don’t even know how to do the mathematical calculation to figure it out.  What’s the secret to Jim Maloney’s returns?  Doing the opposite of what the CFA Ethics tells you to do.

“You know the Ethics portion of the CFA exam,” Jim said rolling his eyes.  “Do the exact opposite of what they teach you.  You will kill it in the market man.  Fucking kill it.”

Once Jim started to do the opposite of what the Ethics portion of the CFA exam said to do his returns skyrocketed.  “I made so much fucking money after I disregarded that stupid ethical portion of the exam taught me.  It was unbelievable.”

Instead of putting stocks on a restricted list when he got insider information, Jim went all in on insider info.  “I learned quickly that insider information was the key to outsized returns.  I changed my whole approach to investing.  Now I spent 90% of my time trying to get insider information.”

Jim’s approach to getting insider information is outlandish to say the least.  “I dress like a skanky woman and frequent the bars where top executives hang out.  Once you get an executive drunk and take them to your hotel room, they will tell you anything for a quick lay.”

Jim has spent over $250,000 on plastic surgery to make him look like a woman.  “I never realized how much money a fake set of tits would make me.  All I have to do show a little leg and boom, I know how much revenue a company will do for the next 10 quarters on the penny.”

Assets under management (“AUM”) of Maloney Baloney Capital Management have swelled to $50 billion.  Jim is looking to hire 15 new analysts for his company this year.  “I’ll hire anyone who is willing to hire anyone who is open to getting a Kim Kardashian ass implant,” Jim stated.  “So many executives are ‘ass men’. A Kim Kardashian ass implant would rake in so much insider information.”

Goal driven analysts can apply to Maloney Baloney Capital Management today.  Please visit the website for more information.

Success! You're on the list.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.