Places to hoard gold

Most people stray away from investing in gold because they don’t know where to store it.  But with every problem there is a solution. And we found 69 solutions.  Here are the top 69 places to hoard gold.

In a safe

Likely one of the safest places to hide gold.  I would suggest having two safes though.  Keep a dummy safe that has a few thousand in of fiat junk in it.  If someone breaks in let them have that safe.  Your other safe should be well hidden that has the real goods in it.  Proxy safe will save you.

Buried in the ground

If you bury your gold in the ground don’t forget to put it in a treasure chest beforehand.  Burying your gold in a treasure chest will also make you a pirate so be prepared to grow a parrot on your shoulder and cut your left leg off.

Under your bed

This isn’t the brightest idea.  Anytime I have robbed someone’s house I always go straight for under the bed.

In a cookie jar

Cookie jars are a great place to hoard gold.  Plus anytime you eat all of the cookies you will know you have gold.

In a deer carcass

One of my personal favorite places to hoard gold is in the carcass of a dead deer.  I would suggest driving around a back road until you find the carcass.  When you find the fresh piece of roadkill feel free to just stick your gold inside of it.  No one.  And I mean no one will be looking inside of deer carcasses on the side of the road for gold.  Just remember to get your gold back before the carcass is rotten completely.

In a mannequin

Break into a department store that no one goes to besides 87 year-old grandmothers in the middle of the night.  Find the ugliest mannequin around and cut it’s eyes out with a steak knife.  Begin shoving gold inside of the mannequin’s brain.  Don’t worry, the mannequin won’t feel any pain because it’s a mannequin.  When you are done hoarding your gold in a mannequin’s brain, tape googly eyes to where the holes are.

Inside of worms

Buy a worm farm.  You know, like the kind the guy on the movie Dumb and Dumber had.  When your worm farm in thriving put your gold in a blender.  Blend the gold until it’s dust.  Begin feed the worms.  Worms love gold.  Just pour a little of your gold dust into the worm farm like it is a fish tank.  Eventually the worms will eat your gold, poop it out and eat it again.  This process can be continued indefinitely until you want to sell your gold.

On the back of someone’s head

Taping a piece of gold to the back of someone’s head is a really great place to hide gold.  To do this, take ninja classes.  Train for five years to become a ninja, specializing to become an assassin.  Use these ninja skills on someone who has a bald head.  Sneak up on the bald person and tape the glue (duct tape) to their head.  Remember to also glue a GPS to the gold piece so you can find the gold again when you are ready to spend it.

Inside of bananas at the supermarket

When you are at the supermarket feel free to open up bananas to hoard gold inside.  No one will ever be looking for gold inside of a banana at the supermarket. Only caveat is a shopper might accidentally buy the bananas you put gold in.  To stop this, paint the bananas black to make them look moldy.  No one buys moldy bananas.

Gold teeth

Get all of your gold melted down into grills.  This will not only make you look like a professional rapper, but will make you seriously cool looking.  I read that Peter Schiff does this just in case the government ever tries to confiscate gold again.