DOW

Tent cities across the country celebrated the Dow Jones Industrial Average (INDEXDJX: .DJI) surging to all-time highs Thursday despite civil unrest and the ongoing global pandemic. Enthusiasm among the nation’s transient population was palpable throughout the abandoned corridors of Mainstreet, U.S.A. as cheers for the recent market performance echoed off the empty gentrified condominiums.

“It really warms me to my core to see the market bounce back after such a rough 2020, allowing the nation’s wealthy to make their mortgage payments on their vacation homes,” said local vagrant Sam Boxer. “I mean it doesn’t literally warm me to my core, I’m freezing my [expletive] off, but you know, metaphorically.”

Many homeless advocates were caught surprised by the jubilation. Kiley Jones, a social worker outside of Detroit, expressed confusion over the activities.

“I mean I think it’s great,” Jones said, “that these people, many of whom don’t know where they will get their next meal from, have something to celebrate. I’m just surprised since most of this population does not have access to financial markets beyond payday loan centers.”

Despite the reservations of some, crowds of unsheltered market enthusiasts hailed the feat, praising the courage of the Federal Reserve to risk runaway inflation in favor of bolstering the net-worth of shareholders. One homeless woman, who admitted that her lack of insulin should probably be a bigger concern, told reporters that she could not help feeling excited for the future of the country.

“Someday I too will have a 401k, and I’ll get to claim those tax benefits myself!” the woman exclaimed.  “If only I would have had the foresight to get a home to take advantage of the Work from Home revolution, I too could have gained from this wild ride!”

The record-breaking market gains are projected to continue as the incoming Democratic-controlled congress is expected to push for economic stimulant payments. However, the requirement of registering with the IRS and having a mailbox may stop the stimulus checks from reaching most of the homeless population. Yet, that fact seems unlikely to stop them from rejoicing about the stock market.