Great needs arrived at the Stonk Market offices this week. From Respected journalists around the world, The Stonk Market was awarded “Best Real World Teaching for 10-14 Year Olds”. We are especially proud of designing these bespoke classes for the young pupils – teaching them specifically how not to jack it on Zoom.
The New Yorker was especially impressed with our “How Not To Wank It During Teleconference Calls”. Senator Eloise recommends changing your background to Jeffrey Toobin or Stan the Trading Man. Either one of these people should instantly make the pupil instantly flaccid or dry as a desert. The New Yorker has been thinking of making this course mandatory annual training for the organization.
The next high mark in the classes is “How to Survive BS Meetings That Could Have Been An Email”. The Stonk Market courses teach students how to set up a Discord group to trash talk and make smart comments at the meeting moderator’s expense. This will help students cope with the eventual meetings that can be soul crushingly long.
Lastly, the high praises from the voters came for the “Alcoholism and You”. It is an introductory course on how to be a fully functional alcoholic in today’s society. It helps teach young students that plastic water bottles are great for holding vodka in public. For darker alcohol we recommend solid non transparent coffee mugs. This section has been developed by many high functioning alcoholics on the office.
These classes are now award winning. We are happy to provide the developing youths of today with such necessary skills to survive working in the real world. Hopefully your young ones are signed up for these classes.
