How to get insider information

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Have you ever wanted to outperform the stock market and get rich?  Do you want to be the next Sam Antar or Martha Stewart?  Do you want to to show off to your girlfriend how much money you have?  Then you came to the right spot.  In this article I will teach you how to get insider information.

As you probably know, getting insider information can be a highly profitable endeavor.  Not only will getting insider information allow you the opportunity to trade stocks ahead of the news.  But having non-public information will make you extremely rich.

If you follow these easy steps you will be getting non-public information and trading on it like a big time Wall Street playa. 

But…

If you want to get insider information you need to be creatively artistic

The biggest thing holding people back from getting insider information is their artistic and creative ability – or lack thereof.  The thing is, people in finance are the least artistic and creative people out there.  Finance people are robots with zero feelings. But you’re not a robot finance major with zero feelings.  You have the creativity of a young Charles Manson and the high spirit of Edgar Allan Poe.

And since you were born with a creative and artistic spirit it won’t be hard for you to adapt to the creativity needed to get insider information that will make you rich.  In fact I bet you have already started to dabble in securities fraud. 

So if you do have that creative genius in you, it’s time to put that mind to work.

Here are a few ways you can use your creativity to get insider information:

  1. Use the skills you learned in high school theater class to dress like a woman (if you are a woman skip this step).  Here’s the thing. Most executives are male.  And male executives are some of the most infidel creatures around.  You need to prefect the art of cross dressing.  Once you can bat your eyes like Betty Davis and strut around a bar like a lady of the night it’s likely an executive will give you insider information for the sweet touch of your skin.
  2. Another great way to get insider information is to dress up like the lead auditor.  Auditors get insider information all of the time.  If you can dress up like the lead auditor you will be a walking gold mine.  But if you are not good with makeup, no worries, just borrow the skin off the lead auditor’s face (like in Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and tape it to your face.
  3. Buy a pinata and fill it with candy and hidden cameras.  When the board of directors is having their meeting have the pinata delivered to the board room.  Members of any board of directors love pinatas and love candy even more.  And now that your pinata is delivered, the board of directors will begin smashing it while you listen in on their conversation.

Step Two: It’s Time To Get Aggressive

You’ve dressed like a woman and learned to bat your eyes.  You borrowed the skin of the lead auditor’s face and pretended to be an accounting geek.  You have even sent in the prized pinata filled with hidden cameras and candy.  But for some reason you can’t catch a break.

No worries. Getting non-public information from an executive takes time.  And if you have already went down the creative route with no luck, it’s time to start getting aggressive.

Here are a few ways you can use aggression to get non-public information:

  1. First get a Proton Mail Account so your emails will be encrypted.  I would also suggest using a VPN.  Now that your internet footprint is secure you’ll want to start harassing the executive team online.  I usually like to ask for the next quarters revenue guidance and see what they say.  Most of the time they don’t answer.  After a couple of days send a picture of their family and ask for guidance again.  After a few weeks of harassing them online with personal threats they usually crack into giving the non-public information.
  2. Find out where the executive lives and stalk them for a few days.  Really know their route and what they do on a day to day basis.  When you have their route down buy a big truck like the Grave Digger Monster Truck and a bullhorn.  Now when the executive is going on his morning run chase them in the monster truck and scream into the bullhorn how you want next quarters EPS numbers or you will run them over.  After a few minutes of you chasing them with a monster truck and screaming in a bullhorn they will hand over the EPS numbers.
  3. Another really great way to get non-public information is by using extortion techniques.  I would suggest learning as much as you can about Michael Avenatti before attempting to extort your target.  One of my favorite ways to extort someone is to use Microsoft Paint on their Facebook photo and paint their face black.  After you paint your target’s face black send them the picture using that Proton Mail Account you made and threaten to release the photo to the public unless they had over their entire pro forma financials for the acquisition they just did.  This technique works flawlessly.

Step three: use your connections on Wall Street

The final step in getting non-public information is to use your connections on Wall Street to your benefit.  People who work on Wall Street only care about money.  If you flash a couple hundred bucks in front of an investment banker they will be drooling like a rhino in heat.  Seriously if you throw an investment banker a few hundred buck they will do anything for you.

Here are a few of my favorite ways I use my connections on Wall Street to get insider information.

  1. Put a tracking chip on your buddies car who works in the mergers and acquisitions department.  When you see your buddies car heading to the fanciest restaurant in lower Manhattan it is likely they are working on a merger deal with a client.  Now disguise yourself and head into the restaurant.  When the meal and drinks are done follow the bankers and executives into the elevator.  This is when you pull our your gun and threaten to give you every folders they have on them.  The contents in these folders are going to be filled with all kinds of non-public information.  Congratulations.  You just hit the jackpot.
  2. Take your married investment banking friend out for drinks.  When he isn’t looking slip some Flunitrazepam into their drink.  When they are no coherent take them to the adult dance club and buy them hundreds of lap dances.  Now make sure to record these dances.  These videos will be your leverage.  The next day send your buddy these videos and tell them you are going to show them to his wife if he doesn’t send you every merger he ever works on going forward.
  3. Get a job as a janitor that cleans the investment banking offices.  Now that you have a key to all of the investment banking offices you can now get into those offices and loot the important papers.  I learned how to do this by watching Wall Street, the movie.

These are just some of the few ways I have used in the past to get non-public information.  Getting non-public information and using it to make profitable stock trades has been the highlight of my lowlife.  If you use any of these methods mentioned in this article I would suggest blocking the Securities Exchange Commission (“SEC”) on Twitter.  You don’t want the SEC seeing you brag about all of this non-public information you are getting.  Thus if you have the SEC blocked on Twitter you will be officially immune from getting caught.

 

 

 



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