Hunter Biden Sex Tape
Gateway Pundit, Screenshot

A source that has requested to remain anonymous has informed The Stonk Market that Hunter Biden has diverted $450 Million from the department of energy to repay various gambling debts.  Hunter, an avid badminton fan, is said to have racked up a massive debt with the cartels after heavily speculating on the Mexican Badminton Championships.

This comes to light after Texas has been hit with widespread electric outages and many have been left to fend for themselves.  The energy crisis in Texas, according to their Governor Abbot, is due to a major winter storm and a “massive budgetary crisis” that resulted in Texas being short hundreds of millions of dollars.

The anonymous source has shone a light on recent events, explaining that Ted Cruz traveled to Cancun in order to deliver the funds to a contact in the notorious Sinaloa cartel.  The senator stated that it was a planned family vacation, but that is explained as a cover by our source.

Hunter became angry when asked for comment and screamed “YOU KNOW WHO MY DAD IS? I’M GONNA GET THE BIG GUY AND YOU’LL BE SORRY.”  He stormed off and he could be heard saying something about his dad being able to beat up the reporter’s dad.

The DOJ addressed the issue in a statement, “These claims are baseless and slanderous.  We are launching an investigation to find the person who tipped off the media about Hunter’s dealings.  He identifies as being oppressed and therefore these slanderous leaks will be charged as hate crimes.”

And there you have it folks. Stay Classy Fintwit.

Max Greene signing off.