Steel Reserves
Image by Лечение Наркомании from Pixabay

I’ve always been a drunk.  I drink to feel good and not bad.  I wake up at the crack of dawn and pound a PBR for breakfast.  You know, hair of the dog.  But one thing I’ve been told over and over again is I need to drink more Steel Reserves for better stock returns.

So that is what I did.  Over the course of a week I drank 15 Steel Reserves per day – and the results were incredible.

Day One

I couldn’t have picked a better day to start this experiment.  The night before my girlfriend broke up with me because I sold her dog to the Chinese restaurant down the road so I could buy more gold.  I was pretty depressed and feeling hopeless.  But when I cracked that first Steelie, my god.

The taste was incredible.  After the first sip I slammed the entire bottle.  Then I cracked another.  And then another.

By the time the markets opened I was hammered.  I immediately began day trading stocks like the degenerate I was born to be.

Up $1,000.


Up $1,500

Keep chugging

Up $2,000

Blacked out.

I woke up the next morning in an alley covered in women’s underwear.  My head hurt.  I had bruises everywhere.  And my crotch burned.  But when I checked my Robinhood account I had made over $20,000 dollars.

Day Two

I took the early morning bus from the alley to get back to my apartment.  It was 7:00 am when I got home – two and a half hours before the market opened.  I immediately rushed to the fridge and began pounding a Steel Reserve.

By the time the market opened I was six Steelies deep and falling out of my chair.  I managed to dump all of my gains into Tesla while shotgunning a fresh Steelie.  The last thing I remembered was posting my ex’s address on the dark net.

When I awoken from my blacked out daze I was in a night club with a only a banana hammock on getting yelled at by some lady I never met.  The mean lady said I stole her car, did donuts on a golf course and then crashed it into a group of pedestrians.

I just ignored her and checked my brokerage account.  I was up $35,000 so I bought the entire nightclub shots.

Day Three

I spent the entire morning puking and praying to a porcelain God.  My head felt like a 450 pound person sat on my face and farted for 6 hours straight.  By the time I came to my senses it was 9:00 am – thirty minutes before the stock market opened.

I knew if I drank 15 Steel Reserves I would end up in some strange situation like I did the past two nights.  To combat this, I handcuffed myself to my desk and started drinking.  By the time the market opened I had already a pounded 10 Steelies.

That morning I decided to use my wizard abilities and did some really cool technical analysis.  I had my crayon box out and everything.  I drew squiggly lines with the color red and rubbed dungeon and dragon cards on my naked body for good luck.  The last thing I remember was reading a spell out of the Necronomicon to make Apple’s stock go up.

I woke up the next day handcuffed to my desk, naked with the entire cast of Glee ripping lines off my desk.  I looked at my brokerage account and made over $45,000.

Day Four

After kicking the entire cast of Glee out of my apartment it was 9:29 am.  I needed to pound some Steelies and quick before the market opened.  I ended up shotgunning 4 Steelies right before the market opened and felt pretty good.

While sipping my fifth Steelie like the gentleman I am, I called my ex-girlfriend and told her that her new boyfriend is in ISIS.  She isn’t very bright and I’m a super manipulative and convincing.

At the same time I was trading dry bulk carriers and sending multiple emails to the FBI telling them my ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend is laundering large amounts of money out of the United States.  The last thing I remember is dumping all of my net worth into some pump and dump dry bulk carrier.

When I woke up the next morning I was in my ex-girlfriend’s bed.  Apparently the FBI arrested her boyfriend that afternoon for suspicions against the U.S. Government.  I checked my phone and was up $65,000.  I told my ex that I hated her and set her boyfriend up.  She broke my nose and I went home.

Day Five

When I got back to my apartment I immediately began to pound Steelies.  My face hurt from the broken nose and need some liquid pain killer.  It was the last day of the trading week so I planned to go out in style.

I pounded all 15 Steel Reserves before the market opened and called up my friend to bring me 15 more.  My plan was to become a millionaire today.  Go all in on a 8x levered inverse ETF that I had no idea what I was investing in.  The last thing I remember was dumping all of my net worth into some shady inverse ETF and posting my ex-girlfriends number on 4chan.

When I woke up I was in Las Vegas with the entire CFA curriculum on top of me.  To my right was some lady with a fake chest and even faker lips and tan.  Apparently I passed all three levels of the CFA and got married to some chick who is now pregnant with quadruplets.

After coming to my senses I looked at my brokerage account and saw I was a millionaire.  I told my wife that I wanted a divorce and locked her in the bathroom.  I then phoned the FBI and told them there is a lady in my hotel bathroom who was making threats against the President of the United States.  That lady ended up doing life in prison and the quadruplets are now in foster care.


After becoming a millionaire in a week from drinking 15 Steel Reserves a day, I decided to retire.  Today I am a motivational speaker and “guru”.  People pay me a crazy amount of money to give them advice about business and life.  My life is really great.  I own a boat and my own island.  I also have a wife who is a Russian model with legs that don’t quit. I owe all of my success to Steel Reserve and day drinking.