Washington, DC – Appropriation committees scrambled to allocate funding on capitol hill late Saturday in response to a sudden surge in crisis actor rates according to sources familiar with the matter. The runup in prices is coming as federal agencies spar for larger budgets and congressional incumbents rally their base for the 2022 midterms.
“There’s a number of initiatives in the works which will require crisis actors to muster public support.” said a CIA official who spoke to us on the basis of anonymity, “We’re looking to drum up enthusiasm to reinvade Afghanistan, instill some fear from the delta variant as well as some exciting unannounced projects in Syria, China and Russia.”
The confidential Crisis Actor Index (not included in CPI numbers) rose as much as 16.85% since the lows of February 2021. “What we saw at the beginning of the year was really a saturation of this market sector due to a run up in staffing for activities ranging from Antifa/MAGA riots, Russian election interference as well as the massive undertaking of a global pandemic. Many crisis actors chose to reenter the civil workforce during the downturn which is a main cause of the labor shortage we’re seeing now.”
One crisis actor we caught up to told us “My business has really taken off in the last two weeks and it’s just been sort of surreal. One day you’re working in Iowa for a Democrat acting as an intubated patient from the COVID-19 and the next day you’re hired by a Republican on a plane to Houston so you can pretend to have a seizure from the vaccine.”
The CIA is not the only agency feeling the pinch from recent runup in rates, a senior FBI official we spoke to on the basis of anonymity said “The FBI is finding it increasingly difficult to foil terror plots instigated by our acquired assets. We’ve already seen a 24% decrease in our cases solved this last quarter.”