Inside trade

You know what your problem is? You’re poor and stupid.

Fortunately, I’m here to help. I am smart and rich.

How did you get this poor? Was it drugs? Gambling? Being a lazy sack of trash?

Here’s the good news. It doesn’t matter what caused the problem. I’m going to fix it. Look in the mirror, you lazy sack of trash. Really look. Wipe off any smudges. They get in the way of the looking. Have you wiped off all of the smudges yet? Even the one in the corner? I know it’s not in front of your face. It doesn’t matter. Wipe it off anyway.

Now that your mirror is clean, you can really look at yourself. What do you see?

Do you see a lazy sack of trash? A drug-addled stupid person? A guy behind you holding a knife? It doesn’t matter. I’m going to help you fix the problem.

You need to change the way you look at yourself. If you see a lazy sack of trash, try thinking of yourself as an ambitious sack of trash. If you see a drug-addled stupid person, try a drug-addled smart person. If you see a guy behind you holding a knife? Imagine it’s a spoon.

Now, with this newfound sense of confidence, I want you to sit down at your laptop. Too poor for a laptop? This motivational talk isn’t for you. In fact, you should just give up. Anyway, if you’re not too poor for a laptop, sit down in front of it, and make a list of everyone you know who works at a public company.

You should know at least twenty people who sit on the Board of Directors at a public company. If you haven’t listed twenty, you aren’t thinking hard enough. The guy who delivers your mail? Maybe he’s on the board of Marathon Oil. Your barber? He could be the Vice Chairman of Halliburton. You don’t know until you ask.

Now, armed with your list of twenty corporate directors, start composing personalized messages. You want to keep the tone light-hearted, but at the same time, let them know you mean business. I’ll provide you poverty-stricken dolts a real example from my own private correspondence.

“Hey Jimmy, hope you and your daughter Jane are doing great. I know that Jane has ballet lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays on James Street over by the bakery where they make those delicious coconut brownies we all like so much. Let me know how your company is doing this quarter before earnings come out. Would hate for Jane to not make it home after ballet one day. LOL! Send me exact figures.”

You can use this, but change the name of the director and his daughter. If she plays field hockey instead of ballet, you change that too.

Now, it’s very simple. Simply load one million dollars (if you are exceedingly poor, a quarter-million will have to do) into your brokerage account. If Jimmy tells you his company is going to beat expectations for the quarter, you buy call options on his company. If his company is going to shit the bed, you buy puts. Simple!

Any questions? I didn’t think so. Now go out there and stop being poor.