Investment Club Wiped Out as President Confuses Straddle with a Zumba Routine


Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania – Twelve members of the “We’re In The Money” Investment Club of Wilkes-Barre lost their entire pooled funds when their president confused a common options strategy for a Zumba dance move she’d read about in her LifeCoach course.

Lilly Chung, 79, told the shocked seniors it happened when she had what she refers to as ‘cerebral flatulence,’ commonly known as a brain fart. “I dropped a sheaf of photocopies of my LifeCoach courses and some of the ‘Exercise and Be Well!’ module got mixed up with my ‘Invest Your Dreams!’ module. I was following what I thought was an integration of exercise and day trading. As I was gyrating over my grandchild’s Alienware laptop that I use for the club, I fell and fat fingered a triple levered inverse precious metals ETF just as the shiny was skyrocketing in early April. I panicked and we lost everything. I feel like such a fool.”

While most of the club would not openly criticize Chung’s out sized gaffe to this reporter, treasurer Millie ‘Kit Kat’ Mastic wasn’t as reticent. “She’s insufferable. Always thinks she gets it better than anyone else. Kept using the word Schadenfreude in every conversation to convince us she was fluent in German. I knew this would happen if we didn’t get her into a home and chained up to a bed frame.”

Club member Agnes Villein sadly opined it is going to be tough coming back from a loss of this magnitude. “We had almost $90 in there…all gone. We had dreams of jumping in on a rumored IPO spin-off of Howard Johnson’s. It’s hard to dream that big then take a kick squarely in the nuts like this. I feel sick.”

Club members will hold a vote in two weeks whether to replace Chung with a Magic 8 Ball or just disband the club and concentrate on more individual FaceTime sessions with their grandchildren.

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