Powell Robinhood

Powell clarified, during yesterday’s press conference, that he does not work for the popular retail trading app Robinhood. “Stop calling me when your account goes down,” he said. “The Federal Reserve of the United States is a serious place. I don’t care if you lost your stimulus money with a YOLO on OTM Hertz calls because you wanted content for your stupid internet friends.  And no, we do not purchase Robinhood accounts for their original face value.”

Professional traders have been watching the market’s rise with trepidation. “We don’t know when it’s gonna end. The irrationality gets to the point where you have to remind yourself the wiggly line moves in both directions,” said one trader. “Luckily, when retail traders show up, they’re like old guys at a college party. That’s when you know it’s over.”

The website Robintrack collects data on stocks owned by Robinhood users. “We’ve seen a major upsurge, recently,” said Dale Bill, founder of the site. “Normally, you got your dirtbags, who buy the weed stocks, and if they have a job, they buy Apple. The rest is whatever Dave Portnoy recommends. But recently, they’ve just been buying everything. Their accounts have grown, and now Wall Street is coming in with its scythe to harvest their money and ruin their dreams. I’m sorry, ‘take profits’, I meant.”

Users who have spent their entire six-week trading career in a rising market have been caught unawares by the pullback. Reddit user JFKsMissingBrain posted on the popular ‘WallStreetBets’ Reddit forum. “When my fingers started working again, I yolo’d my auto insurance settlement. I was up to a million dollars at one point, and I called everyone from middle school and told them to suck it. It was the high point of my 16-year old life.  But then I bought OTM SPY 340 calls expiring Friday for ten cents a contract, and I’m starting to worry they might not be worth anything.”

“Acceptance is a journey,” JFKsMissingBrain continued. “Markets crash. Cars crash. If Jay Powell had just announced a few hundred billion more in stimulus, he could’ve fixed both.”