Jack Dorsey is one of the busiest men in Big Tech, serving simultaneously as the CEO of social networking site Twitter (NYSE:TWTR) and fintech company Square (NYSE:SQ). Many Wall Street analysts have questioned the strategy of serving as CEO of two companies at the same time, arguing that splitting his focus is preventing both companies from unlocking their full potential. It’s true that Dorsey has incredible stamina (and a well-constituted stomach!) in order to carry out duties related to both enterprises, and we at The Stonk Market were incredibly honored to observe Jack Dorsey’s daily routine to see just how he does it.
6:15am
Dorsey wakes up to delicious smell of cinnamon buns being prepared by his chef. To thank his live-in chef for such a scrumptious breakfast, Dorsey fellatios him, providing the perfect topping for the cinnamon buns.
6:50am
It’s time for one of Dorsey’s two daily meditation sessions. Dorsey tries to keep each session to seven minutes or less. Jack Dorsey’s meditation guru is usually excited to completion in exactly seven minutes, so Dorsey fellatios him while performing breathing exercises through his nose to make sure he stays centered and on schedule.
7:00am
A trip to the sauna is next on the agenda. There’s always a good man or two in the sauna for Dorsey to fellatio, and the steam helps everyone to release. A nice ice bath to follow is Dorsey’s reward and especially relaxing for his jaw.
7:45am
Dorsey loves to walk to work to help clear his head and others’ shafts. On the way from his condo to the San Francisco office shared by Square and Twitter, Dorsey ducks into a nondescript alley, and fellatios all of the homeless men rising to greet another day on wonderful Market Street.
8:30am
Getting to the office early enables plenty of time for Dorsey to clear his email inbox and prepare for the day ahead before the rest of his staff arrive. Dorsey’s loyal assistant, Gustavo, knows that his boss likes to arrive early and is the only other employee present in the office when he exits the elevator. Dorsey appreciates Gustavo’s promptness and recognition of his scheduling needs, and fellatios Gustavo as a reward. It’s the only part of the entire day when anyone else is allowed to occupy Dorsey’s standing desk.
9:00am
Other employees arrive at the office, and Dorsey takes the opportunity to use the restroom while they all file in. Of course, there’s usually at least one taker in the men’s room to be on the receiving end of a well-practiced Dorsey fellatio.
9:30am
It’s time for coffee, naturally, and Dorsey bribes the barista in the lobby with fellatio to serve his latte with extra cream.
10:30am
Jack Dorsey reviews the previous day’s user-reported tweets on his Twitter platform. Sighing pensively, he allows all of the Nazi stuff to stay while banning random users for mildly insulting others “just to keep everyone on edge.” He then requests a male member of Human Resources, selected by algorithm, to join him in his office, and performs fellatio on the employee, also “just to keep everyone on edge.”
12:00pm
Dorsey is well aware that he needs to pay good attention to Square as well. Currently, cryptocurrency trading in Square’s CashApp division is driving the greatest growth, so he meets with the crypto developers and instructs them to widen the bid-ask spread on their proprietary bitcoin exchange to meet the fiscal needs of the growing company. Lavished with Dorsey’s praises on the newfound revenue pouring in, the developers’ bulges are growing as well, and Dorsey fellatios them as congratulations on a job well done, in place of a raise (of the monetary kind) or bonus.
2:30pm
Dorsey has a meeting with key investors frustrated by Twitter’s lack of diverse revenue streams. In order to placate them without promising a subscription model, Dorsey offers discrete fellatio. Due to the number of investors and their advanced age, these fellatios take the better part of Dorsey’s afternoon.
4:50pm
Finally finished with the investors, Dorsey is ready for his second mediation session of the day. He invites his meditation guru up to the office for a quickie fellatio.
5:00pm
It’s been a fruitful and fertile day, so it’s time for Dorsey to hit the bar for happy hour. Luckily, San Francisco has a wide variety of venues for Dorsey to enjoy a post-work tequila sunrise and much anonymous fellatio.
7:00pm
Arriving back home after an orally exhausting workday and with another ahead tomorrow, Dorsey embarks on his most sacred ritual – performing autofellatio and drifting off to sleep with a full stomach, but not a care in the world.
