Jeff Bezos

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON – In case the recent market pullback wasn’t enough for tech investors, Jeff Bezos has shocked the world by dumping his entire Amazon ownership stake in pre-market trading on Friday. While the massive transaction itself moved the equity down 12%, news on Jeff’s ownership departure sent shares in the e-commerce giant down more than 30%.

“I signed into Twitter for the first time in a while and saw some captivating statistics,” explains Bezos. “I’ve unfortunately been too busy to notice, but my wealth has spiraled out of reasonable parameters. One Twitter user was upset to notice that I could actually give $1 million to every single American.”

Jeff Bezos continues, as the crowds of protestors and gauntlets outside of his Washington home are quickly overrun by mobs of BlackRock and Fidelity portfolio managers.

“My calculator seems to be broken because it’s saying that I can only give each American around $400. I will have to put away some of the proceeds for a new calculator,” worried Bezos.

Story is developing.

Written by @PigeonWithHatOn, featured image on YouTube