Jesus Christ

BREAKING: Jesus Christ holding corporation (Ticker:$JSUS) has recently confirmed that it will perform a 5000:1 stock-split on its class A shares pending approval by regulatory authorities.

The news comes much to the surprise of investors, who have been dismayed at the lacklustre performance of technology heavyweight $TSLA following its 5:1 stock-split on August 31st.

According to CEO Dave Portnoy, commonly known as “The Father”, the aim of the stock split is to improve retail exposure to the fast-growing company, which is up 666% since the IPO in 0 AD.

Investor sentiment, however, remains subdued.  Prominent value players, including Warren Buffett, have expressed concerns over the stock’s technical performance. We were able to obtain an exclusive Zoom interview with Warren, who said…

“The Stock’s performance seems rather strange. On the one hand, the company is trading below book value, with no debt, two fish and five loaves on the balance sheet. However, every April we seem to witness a death cross on the stock chart. The consistency of this is alarming.”

For more details, please access the latest Bible release and associated transcript on the company’s website.