Written by Heavenly Holes (@HoleDry) and Divinity Drilling (@MOAR_Drilling)

(Houston, TX) – Heavenly Peak Acquisition Company (NYSE: PRAY) (“Heavenly” or the “Company”), a special purpose acquisition company focused on non-core upstream oil & gas properties, has announced a transformational acquisition of Purple Rock Energy (a Big Tree Capital portfolio company) for $800MM. Purple Rock Energy is currently producing 100 boe/d (0% oil; 5% liquids) on 5,000 net acres atop the Louisiana Austin Chalk. The acquisition will be financed through an $800MM capital raise from parishioners of Lakewood Church in Houston and will be backstopped by a convertible preferred senior note by the Company’s CEO and COO, Joel Osteen and Victoria Osteen, respectively. Heavenly Peak seeks to deploy updated biblical engineering practices; modernized parting of seas and turning water into wines. The Company believes that its proprietary blessings will be able to optimize any water-related challenges faced by the reservoir.

Joel “Patch” Osteen has always wanted to be an oilman. Before he started exploring for humanity’s spiritual salvation, his passion was always exploring for economic prosperity.  Joel eventually found both after building an empire when he inherited his father’s church. Free cash flow isn’t just his church’s mission statement, it’s his life credo.  Now, Osteen is bringing his pro-wealth prosperity gospel to oil & gas, in an effort to save a struggling industry.

“When you focus on being a blessing, God makes sure that you are always blessed in abundance,” said Osteen. He continued, “It’s God’s will for you to live in prosperity instead of poverty. It’s God’s will for you to pay your bills and not be in debt. I believe that Heavenly Peak’s positivity will cause free cash flow to come pouring down from the heavens in spades in 2025.”

But life in shale is not always blessed. Osteen’s name was trending on social media today, as criticism mounted against him for not opening Heavenly Peak’s headquarters to financial auditors, even after multiple requests by the SEC. By the time Heavenly released its latest IR presentation, a narrative had already gained momentum that Osteen was coldheartedly keeping funds raised for exploration activities to himself.

Immediately following the announcement of Heavenly Peak’s intention to invest in shale, a barrage of criticism began to stream in. Heavenly Peak spokesperson Jedidiah Osteen said in a phone interview this morning that he is used to a daily stream of bitchery regarding their latest shale investment. When asked how he felt about the financial maelstrom surrounding shale, Jedidiah replied, “We simply don’t care. First and foremost, we are a church. You don’t ever open the doors and say, ‘Sorry, go away.’ Nobody here could turn away such an attractive deal especially at 80% IRRs.” Jedidiah has glanced at social media the last few days, but mostly tried to stay away from it. “I stopped looking at Twitter,” he said. “We are busy doing drilling stuff.”

Social media seems to assume the worst about shale evangelicals and prosperity gospel oilmen. “Joel Osteen gets it from both sides,” says a completion engineer at Heavenly Peak who chose to remain anonymous. “Honestly, I don’t see what all the fuss is about. We are just following the prime examples set by other shale industry peers – be flashy, money-focused, & selfish.” This sentiment appears to be gaining momentum as more and more, prominent evangelicals seem to be folding shale profitability into their belief system.

Islam, Judaism, and Christianity all share the story of Noah, a righteous man among evildoers whose family was saved when God sent a flood to destroy the rest of the world.  Joel views the financial struggles over the last several years in the shale industry as “40 days and 40 nights of negative cash flows.” Just as Noah’s ark came to rest on Mount Ararat, shale has come to rest on Mount Osteen.

We tried to reach out to Mr. Osteen for comment but received only a memo back from his IR team stating simply, “Your Best Shale Life Now is available for purchase December 12, 2020. -Regards”

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