Popular Mad Money host Jim Cramer worked himself into a frenzy and ripped out his own beating heart during a ritual blood sacrifice to Jay Powell. Everyone on Wall Street was shocked.
“Ritual blood sacrifices are typically performed on first year analysts from non-Ivies” said financial historian Jim Grant, “that way they won’t have anybody to miss them. We’ve never sacrificed anyone this popular, so we’re not sure what effect it will have on the market.”
“May the stimulus continue!” Cramer screamed, holding his beating heart in the air.
“We weren’t sure if it was a bit,” said a source, “so we took a few seconds to cut to commercial. It was a mess.”
But during the break, a miracle that no one expected happened.
“Jay Powell appeared from the greenroom,” said the anonymous source. “He wasn’t scheduled to be on the show, and nobody escorted him back there. I would know. It’s my job.”
Powell said “I print blood, too,” and then brought Cramer back to life. The show continued, with Powell as a surprise guest.
Jim Grant says blood sacrifices are more common in the financial world than you might think. “How do you think the Aztecs got their gold?”