Acting in his usual corpulent self interest, the husky John W.B. Rich announced a hostile takeover of Wendy’s from his Blackberry Palm Pilot this morning. In the email sent to his list of 56 subscribers, the heavyset John W.B. Rich outlined his ponderous goals for the corporation.
The email was obviously typed up quickly with numerous spelling and grammatical errors. In addition, we had to exclude a portion of the email as it was a five-page rant filled with foul language about why John would rather stick his mouth on a muffler of a running car than kiss his wife.
We have attempted to transcribed the email below:
I have barricaded myself inside of a Wendy’s with a single fry cook. The fry cook continues to make me burgers. 671 and counting. In a few hours I will have eaten all of the food inside of this Wendy’s. At that point I will begin to eat the fry cook. This can all end quickly if my demands are met.
- 75 Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe sent to my house every morning at 9 am.
- Nikola Corporation must change their name to “Servant of John Rich”
- 18 Virgins from the Caribbean
- A sandwich made with special care whenever I desire
- One extra large cheese tray
- The S&P 500 will officially be called the W&B 450 Quarter Pounder
- A new and younger wife
- An Olivia Voz mannequin for my closet
- Someone to help me with my TV remote every evenings
- No more poors
If my demands not met within the hour I will begin to eat the fry cook. In addition, I will dump all 67 of my Wendy’s shares in the open market causing a complete panic on Wall Street. The market will crash, trillions will be lost and millions will die. These are simple demands that I hope the Wall Street Authorities will respect. Peace be with you and screw the poors.
John W.B. Rich (Wealthy)
Local police officers told the public over a press release to not worry. The man who barricaded himself in a Wendy’s is a former Tech Executive who pulls stunts like this every few months. The last stunt was a few months ago when John W.B. Rich attacked a Wendy’s employee with fecal matter.