JPMorgan Chase has announced they opened a short position on the Minneapolis Police Department citing ‘consistent department issues with killing unarmed citizens’. JPMorgan short fund manager Rick Singh stated “The short position JPMorgan executed was an accidental discharge. It was meant to be a ratings downgrade, but the PM managing the deal was under duress and accidently hit the selloff key”.
“However, we still expect this position to be quite profitable, we expect 100% upside within the next 6 to 12 months when the department is dissolved and replaced by social workers in which we will close our position.”
When asked for comment Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey’s office sent us this response, “It is incredibly tragic what happened to _replaceblankhere_, we need to start doing better as a people and we need to see serious police reform. Officer _replacblankhere_ was clearly out of line and we need to ask ourselves what we can do better. Our thoughts and prayers go out to the family of _replaceblankhere_”.
While we at The Stonk Market were initially confused by this response we now have determined that this is a likely copy paste script that is sent to the media when the police kill an unarmed black man.
