Timothy Jones (13) was always an extraordinary child, says his mother, Martha Berger (37, divorced). “Even when he played youth basketball, he’d score 2– maybe 4 points maximum. But he would celebrate like he won an NBA championship,” Says Berger, “I remember this one time, he scored a layup when his team was getting blown out. He started tweeting at LeBron, calling him ‘old news’ and deeming himself ‘a new kind of player.”
Three months ago, Timmy purchased .01 Bitcoin with his birthday money. Immediately, he started seeing returns. “HODL Bitch! I’m up 300% in 3 months, Warren Buffett is an old pussy!” Timmy exclaimed, while sipping a room-temperature Mountain Dew, “A great year for these ‘Wall Street’ guys is like 20% returns. I guess there’s just a new generation of smart money rising up.”
We asked Timmy what his plans for college were, and how he planned to continue his esteemed investing career: “Well, actually, I’m not really buying the whole ‘college’ thing. To me, I could spend that tuition money on starting my own business, or even investing. I just never felt that school challenged me enough.” Timmy did not elaborate on the type of business he would start, or how he would go about doing so.