In-N-Out Burger

AURORA, Colorado – Jaxson Peterson, 26, like many Americans, hadn’t had much to smile about during 2020. He was laid off from his restaurant job in July, right as the extra $600 in unemployment benefits were expiring, never received his $1,200, and was forced to move back home with his parents, which caused his girlfriend to leave him.

Down in the dumps, he then recalled that In-N-Out Burger would be opening soon. Hoping to parlay this event into some much needed social media clout and likes from hot women that would want to have sex with him, he decided to fight the crowds on opening day for the much needed burger photo.

Much to his dismay, getting there at 7 am meant a staggering 12 hour wait time. Nevertheless, he persisted. The first hour was fine. He chatted with fellow burger enthusiasts and checked the news. But he grew restless, which proved costly.

He decided to open up his Robinhood app, which housed all his savings, $21,140.12 to be exact. Feeling confident, and using his knowledge from Finance Twitter (better known as  #FinTwit) and Wall Street Bets, he decided to push his chips all in. Weekly Puts on worthless value and energy stocks Wells Fargo and Occidental Petroleum, and Weekly Calls on The Nikola Corporation.  He submitted right as the market opened.

As soon as he did, value and energy began to moon and meme began to plummet. As the In-N-Out Burger line inched forward so did his line on Robinhood, closer to 0. At 11 am, his contracts were worth $9,000. By 1 pm a meager $600. And at market close $48.90. In tears, he finally reached the front of the line for his burger.  Hoping to salvage the day, he figured he could at least get the photo he came here for As he went to take the photo of his Double Double animal style for Instagram, his phone died.

Jaxson could be seen reflecting somberly at the JC Penney across the way and could be overheard as saying “I should have just gone to Wendy’s”.