ManBearPig no longer a threat to Global Economy: Stocks rocket higher


Wall Street – The DOW Jones rose in today’s afternoon trading session as investors digested the news that ManBearPig is no longer a threat to global markets. 

“ManBearPig has been the main existential threat on global markets plaguing this current downturn,” JP Morgan Trader, Nathan Baker stated.  “Now with ManBearPig removed from the uncertainty equation, financial assets can continue their never-ending rise to serfdom.”

For those who are not aware, ManBearPig is a demon summoned from Hell as described by kooky and looney Al Gore.  ManBearPig is said to be half man, half bear and half pig.  The threat of ManBearPig rising from the depths of Wall Street and overpowering the Federal Reserve’s printing press has been the biggest global threat to the financial system to date.

“We have printed enough money to thwart the rise of ManBearPig,” announced Jerome Powell.  “We were a little worried there for a second, but we are now 100% sure ManBearPig will not rise from the Netherworld and destroy the global economy.”

Printing presses across the globe have been printing liquidity at breakneck speeds.  “We have printed trillions of dollars in liquidity and literally dumped the cash from helicopters,” J-Powell stated.  “I am proud of the hard-working printing press and everything it has done to prevent ManBearPig from thwarting the world.”

“I’m pretty happy the threat of ManBearPig is gone,” some random trader said.  “Now we just have to worry about hyperinflation and paying back all of this debt.” 

It is rumored the Federal Reserve plans to fight hyperinflation with more helicopter money. “Helicopter money is basically the cure to everything,” J-Powell stated while throwing a dollar bill in a strippers G-string.   

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