Markets cheer as Hertz Heroes Siphon $16 million

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In a display of kindness not seen since Whiting Petroleum siphoned $15 million dollars from shareholders, Hertz Global Holdings (“HTZ”) was reported to pay more than $16 million in retention bonuses to senior managers just days before it filed for bankruptcy.

Markets cheered, shooting the price of Hertz up over 125% from Tuesday’s lows when finding out the ‘Hertz Heroes’ siphoned over $16.2 million from shareholders.  In particularly, markets were most excited by Paul Stone’s payout of $700,000 for his mere one month of work as Chief Executive Officer.

Debbie Shank, 43 and single mother, mentioned how heroic Paul Stone’s actions are.  “I make $40,000 per year working three part-time jobs,” Debbie said.  “It is very refreshing seeing heroic Paul Stoner get his $700,000 paycheck for one months work.  I tip my cap to this hero of capitalism.”

Just earlier this week Carl Icahn spoke on CNBC saying how he will never sell Hertz because you only lose when you sell.  “If you don’t sell a stock, even it is down 99%, you actually haven’t lost money.  You only lose when you sell,” said Carl.

The state of Florida plans to throw a parade later today honoring the Hertz Heroes for their heroic duty of siphoning precocious capital from a bankrupt firm.

“Taking $16 million dollars from a bankrupt firm is a sign of gratitude and compassion not seen in ages,” local Florida man stated.  “These Hertz Heroes are true America patriots.”

Rumors are spreading that Memorial Day will be changed to Hertz Day, in order to remember these true heroes of capitalism.

 



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