Markets rally on news of Dark Lord Cthulhu rising from the underworld because it was “priced in”

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The top news today: Dark Lord Cthulhu has risen from the underworld to exact his vengeance on humanity. Cthulhu’s rampage has already inflicted incredible damage throughout the world and the United States. His anger knows no bounds and he knows no mercy. Last week alone, Cthulhu stripped the souls from 3.3 million Americans and damned them straight to hell. The general population is terrified, but Wall Street has maintained optimism. We talked to several financial professionals to try and find out how they can be so courageous.

Philip “Flip” Jones, investment banking analyst, CFA level II candidate: “Cthulhu’s revenge has actually not been that bad. My comprehensive model accounted for the appearance of a dark spiritual entity like Cthulhu. Plus, no one I know personally has been damned straight to hell. I maintain my buy ratings.” 

Alfred “AK-47” Kinsgley, age 47, MD at a BB, “Cthulhu’s rampage reminds me of a bender I went on in Thailand back in 1985, except I probably had a higher body count. Give him a week to blow off some steam and I’m 100% confident he will return to the dark depths from which he came with a hangover.”

Hugo “Dinger”  Ramirez, former CEO of a VC, “If you think Cthulhu’s retribution is unnecessary and cruel, you should meet my wife, haha.”

Additionally, there are rumors  that the Federal Reserve is preparing to pay Dark Lord Cthulhu 6 trillion dollars to leave us alone. 

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