Melvin Capital Cocaine

Another disappointing day for hedge fund, Melvin Capital, as it was reported they had to cancel their quarterly cocaine and hooker party following the GameStop come back in late February.

“We were pretty excited about our quarterly cocaine and hooker party here at the office,” Steve Cohen stated while sighing. “These once per quarter cocaine and hooker parties are really the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore.”

Cocaine and hooker stocks sold to multi-year lows as hedge funds across the globe were forced to cancel large quarterly parties. Short interest in the Sinaloa Cartel shot up to over 100% following the news from Melvin. “Without Melvin Capital making their quarterly purchase of the good stuff we might be forced to restructure,” a spokesman for Sinaloa stated.