While our team was really high on the good stuff, we turned around the TV and found a channel named Bloomberg TV. With eyes redder than Satan’s crotch, we stared while the pundits were talking about peaking. At first we thought they were talking about peaking on the snow we were snorting. But when they said, “the market has topped” we pissed ourselves into oblivion.
With diapers wetter than a rhino in heat, we got serious. We always thought Daddy Powell of the Federal Reserve was our margin of safety. The ultimate protector of the S&P 500. A type of market Jesus. But apparently when you spend 40 hours a week on the dark net looking to purchase some of that good ole snorting stuff from a reliable supplier, you miss the big news.
While we were looking for a reliable dealer, of the hard stuff, some degenerate bought put options worth more than $360 million. AND THESE PUT OPTIONS WERE EXPIRING ON ELECTION WEEK! We screamed.
While screaming like a 12 year old who got kicked in the nuts, we began to shove piles of snow up our nose that could have covered Mt. Everest. When the last pile of the good stuff was almost depleted I looked at Ray Dalio, who was passed out on top of five strippers. A lightbulb instantly went off in my head.
Michael freaking Bloomberg bought those put options I thought to myself. While we were busy injecting a substance so good it made us hump the floor like a wet chicken, Bloomberg was buying put options on the S&P 500 like a desperate virgin trying to get laid. That is when we connected the dots.
The ones who control the media control everything. EVERYTHING. The strippers. The future price of the market. Even the government. THE ONES WHO CONTROL THE MEDIA CONTROL EVERYTHING.
After this vibrant illumination came to our heads we decided we want to make The Stonk Market so big that everyone gets influenced by us and makes trades depending on what we say. We want to make grandma richer than Jerome Powell. LONG LIVE THE MANIPULATIVE MEDIA! AND LONG LIVE THE U.S. DOLLAR!