Senator McConnell’s

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell on Wednesday explained that he’s opposing the $1,400 stimulus checks in President Joe Biden’s $1.9 trillion economic relief bill due to concerns that the payments could stop Americans from working.

“There is a concern about making it more advantageous to stay home rather than going back to work,” the Republican leader said, alarmingly detached from any understanding of the modern costs of living. Perhaps, back in the 60s—or whenever McConnell last worried about money—$1400 might have been life changing.

McConnell then started a tirade that went into an excruciating level of detail, depicting how society would crumble if the Biden Administration doles out another round of stimulus checks.

“Now just imagine this,” the Senator started, “It’s a 70-degree Wednesday. Birds are a chirpin’ and you feel good. You walk out onto the front porch and have a glass of sweet tea while you read the paper. But wait! No one showed up to work to deliver it—because the all the poors working class retired off these darned checks.”

The reporter tried to interject, but an emotionally disturbed McConnell was steadfast. Incredulous even.

“AND THEN! And then… You want to play some golf—not much better than a Tuesday afternoon round of golf. Course is always empty then. You hit a nice drive on the first hole and an even better chip shot. You are on in two. But to your surprise, the greens haven’t been trimmed in days—and the tread of the grass pushes your birdie-putt off track!”

Drool sprinting down his trademarked neck fat, McConnell ranted and raved, rattling off his own personal fear porn of what might happen if poor people had a little extra money to cover the basic necessities taken from them by the global pandemic.

A McConnell staffer said the senator had worked himself into such a lather that he was inconsolable they needed to arrange for a ‘meet and greet’ with supporters in his home state of Kentucky so he could “feel the exploited delusion coarse through his veins.”