MLS Soccer Resumes
Image by Phillip Kofler from Pixabay

ORLANDO –  Major League Soccer announced that the “MLS is Back Tournament” is still a go, even though coronavirus continues to spread throughout the US. The announcement was met with a deafening silence from every US sports fan because anyone with a brain knows soccer isn’t a real sport.

MLS Commissioner Don Garber stated, “We’re happy to report that we will be resuming play on July 8. We feel the chances of our fans spreading coronavirus are quite low because the typical US sports fan doesn’t even know we exist, let alone actually attend one of our matches.”

The sport of soccer, known as football in other parts of the world that are inhabited by stupid people that don’t realize how boring and dumb soccer is, continues to struggle to gain popularity in the US. This is likely due to the fact that the typical US sports fan enjoys watching alpha males beat each other up and not flop around on the ground (Lebron James excluded) like a chicken that just had its head cut off.

Noted soccer expert The Three Year Letterman, a youth football coaching legend, not just some random clown, had this to say, “My father gave me a soccer ball once when I was 4 years old. I didn’t even know what soccer was at the time, but my alpha male instincts naturally kicked in. I peed on the ball, kicked it straight into his nuts and then danced on his face as he rolled around on the ground like that Ronaldo McDonaldo clown.”