Biotech company Moderna, whose widely anticipated coronavirus vaccine fueled a monumental surge in its stock price this year, just discovered a peculiar side effect.
In a purely consequential study, the Moderna vaccine was administered to a group of 100 short sellers and put option buyers. Each participant in the study was found to exhibit signs of autism mere moments after the test concluded.
“We’ve never seen anything quite like this,” an anonymous Moderna epidemiologist told The Stonk Market. “Regardless, we’re pushing forward with this iteration of the coronavirus vaccine. Our risk analysts have determined that reducing the mental and social acuities of short-sellers is a small price to pay to deliver this vital vaccine to the world.”
This comes after a study which just happened to be conducted on a group of patriotic, attractive stock market bulls produced no negative side effects. In fact, the participants all experienced an increase in the size of their sexual organs and overall strength. One participant was reportedly able to lift the new Ford Bronco over their head with ease.
“This is just as good as making short selling illegal,” said CNBC’s Scott Wapner. “If we can simultaneously cure coronavirus, and eliminate short sellers from the market, there’s literally nowhere to go but up.”
The CDC immediately began an investigation, putting forth a ludicrous conspiracy theory that Modern’s vaccine was chiefly being designed to lift stock prices. President Donald Trump then pulled all funding from the agency, effectively dismantling the investigation.