Money Machine

Facing criticism over controversial changes to the Fed’s long-term strategy, Jerome Powell took the time to acknowledge and support those who stand by him and his team.

Facing a press demanding answers to his disastrous stances on inflation amidst an unprecedented economic crisis for Main Street and the common man, Powell offered this amelioration:

“These are troubling times for everyone, from poor to rich, rich to poor. Even our team is facing uncertainty. Amidst all the criticism for our tough, well-thought out ‘decisions’(sic) to sustain the American people till the end of this crisis, we wanted to thank those who see through the fake news’ lies about who we ultimately serve.”

Powell continued after taking a sip of orange Fanta and pressing the “print more” button on the money machine.

“Specifically, the up-and-coming musical duo 100 gecs have really struck a nerve with our team. When we first heard the critically acclaimed ‘1000 gecs’, we immediately paused the money printers, stopped purchasing trillion-dollar firms’ bonds en-masse, and listened to the entire album, on repeat, till our ears bled.”

The Fed officially announced that “money machine” is now the official anthem of the Federal Reserve System. This change clearly shows The Fed has not lost the support of the enterprising youth, who explicitly, and without reservation, fully endorse our actions to inflate asset prices at any cost with no regard for the consequences. The Fed ended the press conference, taking no questions; instead,  playing this cacophony of euphoria on repeat.

In addition, The Fed contracted with Kodak to print the lyrics that have really touched their hearts, which will be provided to each American citizen.

Below is a copy of the received handout:

With the big boys coming with the big stuff

I feel so clean like a money machine, oh year

Big boys coming with the big trucks

Feel so clean like a money machine, oh yeah

Big boys coming with the big trucks

Neel Kashkari, local hero, who was present but silent during the announcement, could be seen violently weeping as “money machine” began to play.