Nancy Pelosi Portfolio

Sources close to Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, leaked to the Stonk Market that she is furious with the CDC for its decision to report on the new COVID-19 ‘Delta Variant.’

Her fury, which was described as, “unbridled rage” stems from the fact that she was not able to liaise with her financial advisor in time to capitalize on the swings stemming from the announcement. Pelosi lamented the fact that while she thought February 2020 was a once in a lifetime opportunity in the market—a new one may be right around the corner. And she was not able to get her ducks in a row this time around.

While it may seem selfish, sociopathic, and even borderline inhumane to look at the world this way, Pelosi told her confidants that you don’t get to the top of public service without running over a few people on your way to the top.

The good news for the public—is that our source told us that now that Pelosi has missed her buying window, the odds of her trying to strongarm congress into another lockdown have shrunk significantly.

We did reach out to the House Speaker for comment, but it fell through when we balked at what she described as a ‘$100 per minute ‘consulting fee’ that she requires for media to speak with her.