WASHINGTON – In yet another not so surprisingly incident, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi was reported to have made over $4.5 million trading CUMROCKET Crypto utilizing insider information.
In the report released this afternoon, Pelosi used insider information obtained from the Epstein Island Sex Scandal to make a levered bet on the hot new cryptocurrency, CUMROCKET Crypto. According to the report, Nancy invested $25,000 into the CUMROCKET Crypto ICO utilizing this information obtained by the Feds.
After reviewing information obtained by the report, the SEC raided Nancy’s office to find a collection of sex toys. “It smelled like a tuna can was left out in the Arizona sun for 60 days,” an officer from the SEC stated. “When we opened her desk hundreds of cats came out of nowhere and started licking these toys. It was absolutely disgusting.”
A picture of the sex toy draw was posted online.
OMG. The SEC just raided Nancy Pelosi's office and found this. pic.twitter.com/TalNStrMH9
— Communist Eloise Williams (@thestinkmarket) July 7, 2021
Nancy is currently being held in a jail cell where she was given a Bloomberg trading terminal just in case she wanted to make other smart stock market bets. According to one of her inmates, Nancy has started to buy private prison stocks.