Washington – In another fruitless attempt to pump the stock market, the United States Plunge Protection Team has issued new rules specifically for publicly traded corporations.
The new rules can be found on the Plunge Protection website under the tab, “preventing stocks from falling”. The document is a 420-page PDF listing all of the rules publicly traded corporations must now abide to.
The majority of the rules are just more mumble jumbo accounting treatments on how to handle the coronavirus or COVID-19. However, in the footnotes on page 410 in the tiny print there is a new rule on stock prices.
Starting May 1st, 2020 if your stock price falls month over month the Chief Executive Officer will be forced to march in Times Square, New York City in nothing but a man-diaper, while holding a baby rattle and with a pacifier in their mouth. Economists and stock market participants across the globe have reacted positively to this news.
“This new rule will force the CEO of a company to do anything and everything to make their stock price go up,” Jamie Melon, Chief Investment Officer of Big Melons Capital stated. “This is a huge bullish indicator.”
Stocks are down for the day as the Federal Reserve’s printing press is getting the ink cartridge changed. Asset values should continue to increase tomorrow or even later this evening as the printing press comes back online.