WALL STREET – In a historical agreement not seen since 1776, Congress and the White House stated the new COVID-19 stimulus bill will require every American to purchase out-of-the-money (“OTM”) calls with their $1,200 government check.
“This very important legislation will help our heroes on Wall Street meet their bonus quotas for the year,” Steve Mnuchin stated. “If we force every American to purchase OTM calls the market will rerate higher, effectively allowing hedge funders and investment bankers to have a very nice bonus at year end.
$1,200 dollar checks for the new stimulus bill will be mailed out to the poors in the coming weeks. The Trump administration stated they expect all checks to arrive before the election. “I would suggest all hedge funders load up on the long side before these checks arrive,” Mnuchin stated. “If you front run the poors you will be able to make a significant amount of money.”
“I see very big stock market numbers for your 401Ks,” Trump tweeted. “Thank me now.”
Markets rallied to record highs as investors blindly dumped their cash into anything with a ticker symbol due to historically low artificial discount rates. The last remaining short sellers were captured by Federal agents and executed by lethal injection.