New York City Landlords

“This… This… This is the day we have all been waiting for!” Exclaimed Mathew Polian, a New York City landlord who took the reigns of the family business 20 years ago (as a 25th birthday present from his father). “At long last, we can get these ungrateful schmucks out of our buildings—and get some fresh meat in there!”

Polian, of course, was referencing the Supreme Court decision to allow evictions to resume and to block the Biden administration from enforcing any sort of temporary ban.

According to Polian, this decision was not just a turning point for his—and many other area landlords’ businesses—but rather a cause for celebration because things were finally starting to go back to normal he explained.

“We get the lazy P.O.S’s, who don’t want to go to work out of there—and a fresh crop in. Hopefully, these ones work a little bit harder… I mean, rent can’t be the same steal of a deal that it once was… Do you know how much revenue I missed out on during the last 18 months? I nearly had to cancel one of my country club memberships.”

To celebrate what he described as a momentous occasion, Polian and several other New York City landlords decided to take a page out of Kanye’s book, renting out a nearby stadium for a party and inserting a scaled reconstruction of each of their favorite properties in the middle of the field (which he assured me will be filled with “strippers and champagne of the highest quality”).

In a truly sadistic move, that went unrecognized by Polian, the landlords have offered there tenants the opportunity to work the event, in exchange for minimum wage and whatever food was left when they finished cleaning up.

The icing on the cake for the event? He and the gang scrapped together a few extra dollars and paid the stadium operators to hang a ‘Manor Farm’ sign on the front of the stadium.